British escorts? Anybody could tell you that I love pussy. My whole life revolves around staring at pictures of it and reviewing the experience. Sometimes I’ve got to feel it, though. Escorts are the easiest and arguably cheapest way to get my dick wet, and the Internet has simplified even that process. Sites like uEscort.com offer up listings by location.

I think the the "U" in uEscort stands for UK, because that’s where all their listings are. Johns in the rest of the world will have to look elsewhere. The site’s only a few years old and gets more than a quarter of a million hits a month, which tells me people are using it. The counter at the top says they’re currently listing 1,054 adultwork escorts.

High-Class Sluts In Your Area

uEscort has a very sleek, classy look to it. The header is clean white on black with the same blue highlights that stretch down the page. Their logo is simple and elegant, but I really don’t know if it’s just a stylized U or it’s supposed to look like something. The top of the front page is dotted with a couple of dozen city names so you can jump right to your local whores in London, Birmingham, or Leeds; a Show More button leads to more locations to get laid.

The first thing you’ll really notice about the site, though, is the escorts listed on the front page. Holy living mother of fuck. These ain’t the snaggle-toothed bitches who suck cock for meth money behind the grocery store. These ain’t even the passably fuckable bitches you find on most escort sites around the world. The front page of uEscort looks more like Victoria’s Secret than a place to find prostitutes.

The dead giveaway is that some of the women have their faces blurred out, which would be stupid if you’re just selling lingerie. These broads look like goddamn supermodels, though. I shit you not. They’re so gorgeous I wonder if some of the pics are just straight-up stolen from modeling agencies.

There’s a brunette with a perfect body and face taking a sexy mirror selfie and a blonde kneeling in boots and lingerie. Both are in London, as is the cute Asian in the police outfit and the Ebony goddess showing off her legs. The Latina laying naked in the grass is in Manchester. All of them are in their early 20s, their pics each tagged with Diamond and VIP.

All the necessary contact information is on their profile pages, each just a click away. uEscort doesn’t make you sign up or log in to get those digits, making the site instantly usable if you’re looking for a hooker hook-up. Find a girl in your area, make sure she’s on the clock, and give her a buzz.

Check Out These Gorgeous Escorts

You’ll probably want to keep scrolling down the front page, because the women are so flawless it’s going to be hard to choose. If you do keep scrolling, the same Diamond escorts will pop up a couple of times. I swear, there’s this one chick who looks like a thick-bootied version of Ariana Grande. She does the GFE, but I can’t see what other services she offers unless I log in.

When you finally run out of Diamond girls, the Gold and then Silver escorts show up on the screen. This is where I first see a male escort on uEscort, a stallion whose gigolo name is a play on Rocco Siffredi. A few more popped up on the front page, but not many. It’s mainly about the ladies here.

I know the site’s got trannies, too, because it says so in the header. They’re a click away if you like your chicks with dicks.

The site is pretty light on documentation; I spent a few minutes looking, but couldn’t find a uEscort FAQ or even advertising information for the hookers. I think the Diamond, Gold, Silver rating system is based on hotness, because there’s a slight but noticeable decline as you scroll down the page. There’s also a Vote button on each girl’s profile page.

Even when you scroll past the girls with precious rocks and metals attached to their profiles, a lot of the girls look like models. There are plenty who look like normal slutty chicks who will put out for a few bucks, but a lot who look suspicious.

Are These Sluts For Real?

Way down the page there’s a chick without any kind of VIP tag on her pic. It’s a shot from behind so we get a perfect view of her perfect round ass while she kneels on the front of a boat. She’s wearing a tiny pink bikini, luxuriating in the bay of some tropical island.

The weird thing about this chick, supposedly 28 and based in London, is the literal flag at the top of her pic. It’s big and red and says SUSPICIOUS.

I took a look at the Ebony babe’s profile and it wasn’t too different than others I’d looked at. The chick didn’t show her face, which doesn’t seem typical on uEscort. She’s model-hot, but that is normal here. She doesn’t have any comments.

I didn’t see any other escorts with a Suspicious flag on their picture. I did see a few with comments suggesting they’re fake, though. Beneath a supposed beautiful, 24-year-old Russian slut in London, somebody had taken the time to write, “She is totally not the girl from the pictures. Fake profile.”

You Cover Your Ass, They’ll Cover Theirs

If prostitution is the oldest profession known to man, running scams is the second. It just comes with the territory, and it’s largely up to you to cover your ass. That said, you can’t hire a hooker off a site that doesn’t have any, now can you?

uEscort, for their part, don’t have much to say. The bottom of the page is hard to find due to their scroll-forever layout, but if you can reach it you’ll find this:

“Because we are very strict about the girls allowed on our site, on uEscort you will find the most beautiful escorts in England, girls who are naturally beautiful but also intelligent, charming, well-mannered, so you can have the best out of your experience.”

They’re strict, but only in some mysterious way known only to them. Read a little further and you will find a “guarantee”.

“uEscort is the one site that can guarantee you care but also discretion regarding the provided services. We closely supervise the activity and the escorts’ ads, so you can enjoy yourself fully and stress-free.”

It’s basically complete gibberish, followed by a bizarre claim that you’ll want to be true and false at the same time. They’re saying they monitor the ads and then watch the actual fucking-for-money?

This is barely a criticism of uEscort. Every escort site operates in a gray area of the law and is full of both legalese and bullshit ad-speak meant to cover their asses. As always throughout history, proceed with caution when hiring a prostitute.

Inconvenience and Goddamn Paper Trails

One criticism I do have of uEscort is that you have to log in to view services, or to search by feedback. Most escort sites don’t make you sign up or register to make nearly full use of the site. Typically, only the ability to comment is locked. Here, they’ve locked some of the most usual features.

Considering how many of the profiles look suspicious, I’d definitely prefer to browse only the girls with positive feedback from dudes who’ve banged them. I also need to know what they’re down to do to me.

When I give my email address to sign up for something, I worry more about the potential spam than anything else. Everybody already knows I’m a deviate. Some people are going to worry about a potential paper trail, but fake email addresses are easy enough to set up.

uEscort.com looks like it may have an issue with fake profiles, but that could be said of any escort site. They get enough activity that I know people are getting laid through the site, and I’m sure they’re all as careful as you need to be.